They're not mine but I want them to be free
to be bankers, soldiers, lawyers, bakers,
the architects of their own destiny.
They are nine and ten, contradictory
at every turn, flowering heartbreakers.
They're not mine, but I want them to be free,
like Rose Red and Snow White on their fairy
tale quest but without hags or conjurers.
The architects of their own destiny,
they'll happily attend school, acid-free,
and be safe as larkspurs and cockleburrs.
They're not mine but I want them to be free:
Armed with poison leaf, like Dawn & Barbie
accessorized with spiky heels and furs,
the architects of their own destiny.
If they were mine, ballet for karate,
spurs for purrs; for fairy wands, rapiers.
They're not mine but I want them to be free,
the architects of their own destiny.
Hi Arlene,
ReplyDeleteNeat villanelle! I particularly like the middle rhymes, where the rule seems to be that the last syllable has a sort of schwa + R or syllabic R going on. This rule gives you a lot of flexibility to choose surprising words.
I gather that the rules for poetry Thursdays are more critical than the rules for NaPo, so I'm going to leave a critical comment too. (Hope I get the balance right!)
My main criticism is that I'm having trouble making it scan. One thing that really trips me up is the choice to rhyme stressed syllables (like "free") with unstressed ones (like the last syllable of "fairy"). I also notice that while every line has ten syllables, the pattern of stresses isn't particularly regular, and I cannot jam it into anything that feels like iambic pentameter. (It's a common misconception that as long as you have 10 syllables in each line, you have iambic pentameter, but really, you need the right pattern of stresses--I like Howard's nice "handy dandy vestpocket guide" at PFFA.)
"Larkspurs and cockleburrs" is a great phrase, and I like the way it resonates with the earlier "flowering heartbreakers", and the later "poison leaf". The flower imagery is definitely working for you.
Glad to see you on board for this, and thanks for the opportunity to read your poem!
Thanks -- I know -- the scansion sucks. It needs tweaking or scratching or something. Arlene
ReplyDeletedawn & Barbie (take 2)
ReplyDeleteThey're not mine but I want them to be free
to be bankers, soldiers, lawyers, bakers,
the architects of their own destiny.
At nine and ten they're contradictory,
bewildering, flowering heartbreakers.
They're not mine, but I want them to be free:
Rose Red, Snow White undertaking fairy
tale quest without the hags or conjurers.
The architects of their own destiny,
they'll happily attend school, acid-free,
and be safe as larkspurs and cockleburrs.
They're not mine but I want them to be free:
Armed with poison leaf, like Dawn & Barbie
accessorized with spiky heels and furs,
the architects of their own destiny.
If they were mine, ballet for karate,
spurs for purrs; for fairy wands, rapiers.
They're not mine but I want them to be free.
The architects of their own destiny.
Arlene,
ReplyDeleteA villanelle! The whole thing lovely, the Barbie reference in the title alerts this reader to the feminism aspect, deftly. The last strophe is terrific with its alternative choices, and I echo FB's praise for larkspur and cockleburr.
As for scansion, fitting it into do NOT go GENtle INto THAT good NIGHT or the ART of LOSing ISn't HARD to MASter might be a difficult task and perhaps ruin the natural flow... still, you could try :-)
I am commenting on the comments of others, as we are only under semi-PFFA jurisdiction :-0
Impressed in Oslo.
Sorella (regretting her own initiative already! I have nothibg AND I hate critting and being crit (critted? xrit should be a strong verb, I crit, I crat I have crit and having crit, moved on.)
Actually, it might be helpful to do a detailed scan, if I'm going to whinge about it. Here's a scan of the revised one. (That's not a mistake in S2 L3--the fact that you're setting up a contrast makes me push the stress from the "they're" onto the "not.)
ReplyDeleteTHEY'RE not/ MINE but/ i WANT/ them to/ be FREE
to be/ BAN kers,/ SOL diers,/ LAW yers,/ BA kers,
the AR/ chi TECTS/ of their/ OWN DES/ tin Y.
At NINE/ and TEN/ they're CON/ tra DIC/ torY,
be WIL/ der ING,/ FLOW er/ ing HEART/ BREAK ers.
They're NOT/ MINE, but/ i WANT/ them to/ be FREE:
rose RED,/ snow WHITE/ UN der/ TAK ing/ FAIR y
tale QUEST/ WITH out/ the HAGS/ or CON/ jur ERS.
The AR/ chi TECTS/ of their/ OWN DES/ tin Y,
they'll HAPP/ il Y/ at tend/ SCHOOL, A/ cid-FREE,
and be/ SAFE as/ LARK spurs/ and COCK/ le BURS.
THEY'RE not/ MINE but/ i WANT/ them to/ be FREE:
ARMED with/ POI son/ LEAF, like/ DAWN and/ BAR bie
ac CESS/ or IZED/ with SPI/ ky HEELS/ and FURS,
the ARCH/ i TECTS/ of their/ OWN DES/ tin Y.
if THEY/ were MINE,/ bal LET/ for ka/ RA te,
SPURS/ for PURRS;/ for FAIR/ y WANDS,/ RA piers.
THEY'RE not/ MINE but/ i WANT/ them to/ be FREE.
The AR/ chi TECTS/ of their/ OWN DES/ tin Y.
(Sorella, carry on.)
I think it's powerful, that N wants so much for them to be free, even when they don't belong to N. The repetition just drives home the point.
ReplyDeleteIf you'll introduce changes like replacing 'at every turn' with 'bewildering', you'll do great! I thought that one little change added a whole new dimension to the poem, it somehow makes the tone more affectionate, when N's talking about what Dawn and Barbie are, in a poem that mostly talks about what N wants for them.
I added this to the sevens thread (my first) and made a few more tiny changes (I am slow & stubborn).:) http://dafurandothertragedies.blogspot.com/2012/05/dawn-barbie.html
ReplyDelete