Mm, oatmeal cookie dough. You have a great central image here.
I wonder whether you need "Yummy" in the title. (Or "Flashback" really, because it's pretty straightforward what's going on in the poem.) You've got space for a completely new idea there--something that frames the poem instead of summarizes it.
I respectfully disagree with Nitika about "working on my laptop", which is a concrete detail that gives me a bit of information about the narrator's age and social standing. I'd find a way to illustrate "out of nowhere" and "years later" with more specific actions.
Thanks much for the poem; I hope I've hit the right balance of helpful and fluff.
Nitika, That IS helpful... I was in two minds about the laptop! Are we getting better at the fluff/crit thing, taking it to the next level? :-) Glad to have your comments, now off to read yours again -- I am pleased to see it is a family poem too!
Rachael, We cross-posted, and of course you found the balance for the lily-livered poet! :-)
Again, I wondered about the title, thought about Untitled even... so glad to have your eagle-eye on this. Thank you, Bugs Bunny (as I think of you now...)
I know that feeling, out of nowhere, a sense memory -- at the laptop, doing anything, I think... I taste the cookie dough, just wonder what her 'scold' sounds like...
Hmm, you're right, Rachael, without that, the poem's floating in nowhere. But there does seem something jarring about the way it is, now. And I know it isn't helpful, but I can't quite figure out what and why.
flour butter sugar oatmeal, Mum's cookies, a full pinch: a very warm, very yummy image, and I love the last line. Makes it more real, more precious.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion, 'working on my laptop years later' is distracting. I'd leave it out.
Mm, oatmeal cookie dough. You have a great central image here.
ReplyDeleteI wonder whether you need "Yummy" in the title. (Or "Flashback" really, because it's pretty straightforward what's going on in the poem.) You've got space for a completely new idea there--something that frames the poem instead of summarizes it.
I respectfully disagree with Nitika about "working on my laptop", which is a concrete detail that gives me a bit of information about the narrator's age and social standing. I'd find a way to illustrate "out of nowhere" and "years later" with more specific actions.
Thanks much for the poem; I hope I've hit the right balance of helpful and fluff.
Nitika,
ReplyDeleteThat IS helpful... I was in two minds about the laptop!
Are we getting better at the fluff/crit thing, taking it to the next level? :-)
Glad to have your comments, now off to read yours again -- I am pleased to see it is a family poem too!
Sorella
Rachael,
ReplyDeleteWe cross-posted, and of course you found the balance for the lily-livered poet! :-)
Again, I wondered about the title, thought about Untitled even... so glad to have your eagle-eye on this. Thank you, Bugs Bunny (as I think of you now...)
Sorella
I know that feeling, out of nowhere, a sense memory -- at the laptop, doing anything, I think... I taste the cookie dough, just wonder what her 'scold' sounds like...
ReplyDeleteHmm, you're right, Rachael, without that, the poem's floating in nowhere. But there does seem something jarring about the way it is, now. And I know it isn't helpful, but I can't quite figure out what and why.
ReplyDelete