Feel free to don your critical hat for this one. In particular, if you think the revisions haven't made it better, please let me know.
Ice
When the cosmic glassblower blasts his blowtorch
over trees and trash cans, anneals the snowbanks,
seals the pickerel under a frosted panel,
that's when I need you.
Melt for me. Glow gold where the chips of sunlight
tangle through your hair. We can meld our colors.
Twist me, trail your tongue through my mouth, and we'll be
red reticello.
Soon I'll leave. The snowmelt will scour the river,
swell the lake and shatter the ice. We're spun from
inconsistent glass. In the heat, we'll crackle,
crumble to gravel.
but today, my love is as sharp as pikes' teeth,
naked as the glass in a hungry pike's eye.
When the cosmic glassblower storms the alleys,
blasts his icy torch over trees and trash cans,
and anneals the snow in his frozen furnace,
that's when I need you.
Molten bright, you trickle across the marver
of the quilt. Come bend to the blocks of winter.
Let me kiss the frost from your nipples. Let's be
red reticello.
When the snowmelt roars through the creek, devouring
crayfish, minnows, caddisflies, when it shocks us
lukewarm, our zanfirico love will crackle,
crumble to gravel,
but today, we're naked and sharp as pikes' teeth,
naked as the glass in a hungry pike's eye.
Ice
When the cosmic glassblower blasts his blowtorch
over trees and trash cans, anneals the snowbanks,
seals the pickerel under a frosted panel,
that's when I need you.
Melt for me. Glow gold where the chips of sunlight
tangle through your hair. We can meld our colors.
Twist me, trail your tongue through my mouth, and we'll be
red reticello.
Soon I'll leave. The snowmelt will scour the river,
swell the lake and shatter the ice. We're spun from
inconsistent glass. In the heat, we'll crackle,
crumble to gravel.
but today, my love is as sharp as pikes' teeth,
naked as the glass in a hungry pike's eye.
Original:
blasts his icy torch over trees and trash cans,
and anneals the snow in his frozen furnace,
that's when I need you.
Molten bright, you trickle across the marver
of the quilt. Come bend to the blocks of winter.
Let me kiss the frost from your nipples. Let's be
red reticello.
When the snowmelt roars through the creek, devouring
crayfish, minnows, caddisflies, when it shocks us
lukewarm, our zanfirico love will crackle,
crumble to gravel,
but today, we're naked and sharp as pikes' teeth,
naked as the glass in a hungry pike's eye.
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